Working thought Grief

I drove out to the barn yesterday but I just could not bring myself to drive down the lane and walk out to see Hokey or go visit Abby and Two Socks' graves. It's still too raw. I did talk to Tim and he said that Sultanna will be coming home from visiting her boyfriend (as Tim puts it) in a week or two. It will be nice to have her back.

It surprised me that I was so reluctant to drive up to the barn; after all, I went out to see Hokey daily for over a week after the girls' deaths. Tim was out of town then and I was in charge of the barn - Hokey needed to be checked on and cared for.

Abby and me reunited after I'd been in the hospital down in Indy for a week recovering from pancreatic surgery.

But it just isn't "the barn" right now for me; it doesn't feel that way since Abby is gone and there is no one who so gleefully comes charging up to see me when I arrive. The place is so empty without her and my heart hurts when I am there.

A friend who suffered the loss of a child recently shared this poem. It reflects my own feelings at Abby's loss.

I know through long time experience that a dose of horses can brighten your day and help you mend when you feel broken. I plan to head out to the barn again today, and this time I will drive down that lane and go visit Hokey.

I'm not sure I will be able to walk out to the graves, but that's okay. Sometimes you need to take baby steps as you work through grief. Visiting Hokey will be a big step; the baby steps will come with time.